It’s been 7 months. 7 months since we lost our first little babe. It feels like it’s been a lifetime since the miscarriage happened but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. So much has been jam packed into 2018 that I forget to stop and think about all that we have been through as a couple since January. So much molding and growing in such a short time. It’s almost as if we’ve packed two years of life into a short half year’s time. God sure knows how to force us to grow and lean into Him!
Now, 7 months later, joy fills my heart as I feel my precious little gift from God move about freely in my womb. I can’t even begin to describe the love I have for this little boy and most importantly, I’m just so thankful that God chose Zach and I to be this little guy’s parents! I can’t wait to see what he looks like, how he smells, what his personality will be like, what mannerisms he will acquire and most importantly, how his love for God will develop (God willing). It’s easy to replace the pain and grief I had experienced for several months with the excitement and joy I’m now experiencing with this pregnancy, however, that grief and pain somehow find ways to creep back into my life at random times.
I remember when we first experienced the loss, I sobbed and sobbed for weeks on end. Waking up each morning felt like I had awoken after having the perfect dream and realizing that my life was far from perfect. I couldn’t fight back the tears. The pain was always the worst in the morning. However, after a good, solid three weeks or so, the pain started to lessen, or at least become manageable. It had lessened enough that I could at least function at work, attend events and spend time with friends without it consuming all of my thoughts. And when I found out I was pregnant in April, the pain was almost completely shielded by the joy and excitement I had with this new pregnancy! Almost. To be honest, the majority of my pregnancy, I haven’t struggled with the grief too much. I’ve mostly been so focused on growing this little human that I’ve almost forgotten about our first little person that left us much too early. It almost makes me feel guilty when I think about it like that. How could I forget such a special little soul that God had designed just for us? The only reassurance I have about it is that our little babe is now rejoicing with God in Heaven! Our little babe is in the arms of our perfect Father.
Over the last several months I’ve learned that my pain and grief resurfaces the most when I experience loss and grief through the eyes of others. Going through a miscarriage has definitely allowed me to be more compassionate towards others who have experienced infertility or loss. This year, I’ve known a couple who lost their baby due to some developmental complications and I’ve also known a woman who has, year after year, yearned for a child of her own, only to still be empty handed. As these people shared their experiences with me, while fighting back tears, it brought so many feelings, that I thought were long gone, back to the surface. I’m reminded that my pain and grief hasn’t disappeared yet and I’ve only just cracked the surface on healing. They are not long gone like I had thought but are still a very present struggle in my life.
I once, a couple years ago, prayed that God would soften my heart and allow me to become more compassionate toward others. I never thought that God would change my heart in such a drastic way but by golly, that’s exactly what He’s done! I believe that God has taught me to become compassionate to those experiencing loss and infertility. The verse, Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” has become my template in walking through life with people who have experienced, are experiencing or will experience the pain of infertility and loss.
So, to define this blog post’s title, does the pain and grief of loss or waiting ever go away? No, I don’t think it does. However, I think God will continue to heal me and lessen the pain so that I can use it as a way for me to make a difference in someone else’s life. Even though my grief and pain are still very present, I think that I can use them as a means to walking through life with others who’ve suffered similarly to me. I think that it gives me an opportunity to point those who are in pain and struggling to see God’s goodness and faithfulness to Him and to share the fullness I’ve experienced in Him through all of this. After all, as Christ followers, we are not promised a trial-free life but through those trials, we can be made right with God and end up on top of it all stronger than we were before! If I can use this pain I’ve experienced as a way to glorify God, then as much as it hurts, it’s all worth it for Him!