I feel that I am suffering alone. I feel that I am screaming and nobody can hear me. I feel like my tears may never stop. I feel like no one cares. Behind all of my pictures on social media of smiles and happiness lies a girl that is surviving a silent pain that no one can see in my physical being. This pain is a pain that not many women talk about. It’s a pain that no woman wants to admit struggling with for a fear of inferiority or loss of self worth. It’s a fear because we, as women, were designed by God for this and if we struggle with this or are unable to achieve this, then there is something wrong with us. What is this infamous pain that I so struggle with? It is the pain of infertility or struggling to conceive a child.
For months I have considered writing about this but every single time I have, I have stopped myself. I’ve stopped myself for many reasons- feelings of inferiority, not wanting everyone to know Zach and I have been trying to conceive, feeling that this isn’t everyone’s business anyways, feeling like I’m a failure as a woman and a wife for not producing a child and the list goes on and on. However, I have finally come to a point where I should be open to the world because 1 in 4 women will experience miscarriages in their lifetime and 7.4 million women struggle with getting or staying pregnant. Those statistics are a lot more common than most people think and not many seem to talk about it. I’m struggling with this very issue and it seems that I can’t hide my feelings anymore.
While I haven’t ever been pregnant nor experienced a miscarriage, I have struggled over the past year getting pregnant. I never once thought in my adolescence that I’d struggle to get pregnant in the future. I always thought that it would be my decision (and my husband’s decision) to get pregnant and that it would happen when we planned it. Boy, was I wrong. In November 2016, Zach and I decided that we were both ready to start a family. I was so excited because my desire to be a mother went from being non-existent in my early 20s to deeply desiring it at age 25. Then, one month led to three months and three months led to nine months and before I knew it, we were at a year of trying to conceive with no success. Each month we’ve come up empty handed, those pains that I’ve felt have become almost unbearable. Over the last year, I’ve had several very close friends share with me that they’re expecting. These were friends that I once talked about getting pregnant at the same time with and friends that used to fantasize with me about what their future child would look like. Now, they’ve either gotten to experience that or are currently experiencing the miracle of pregnancy. And here I am, 27, only 3 years away from 30, been married longer than most of my friends with kids already, and I’m still childless. The thought of that alone brings tears to my eyes. These are thoughts I’ve embarrassingly been struggling with over the last year.
People have told me that I should just go and see a fertility doctor so that I can get answers. And while I’ve seriously considered it, my faith remains in God. His timing is perfect (I’m still struggling to get my heart to believe this sometimes). No matter what I try to do (go to a fertility doctor, take ovulation kits, take my temperature, etc.) this miracle lies in the hands of our Wonderful Counselor only. If it’s in His will, then it will happen. Although, I still have many days of doubting that I will ever experience this miracle, I still remain hopeful that one day God will answer this prayer. I’ve been struggling with those feelings I mentioned above but as I’ve discussed on my blog before, emotions lie. It’s easy to believe those emotions as truth but they are just things that Satan uses to get in between me and God. Through this trial, I’m learning that life isn’t about me, but God. Thanks to my sweet husband, who never ceases to amaze me with his unfailing faith, consistently feeds me this truth daily. I must take my focus off of myself and put it on God. I may one day head to the doctor to get some answers, but for now, I’m waiting on God to give me clarity and wisdom in this struggle. The pain is still there. With every friend that shares their exciting news with me, it still is hard to chose God over this desire, but I know He is the right choice. I share all of this with you, not for a pity party of my own gratification but to be real and raw about something that I am truly struggling with. My hope is that if you are struggling with this same thing (or something similar), you will know that you are not alone. Other people are struggling with this too. There is hope in Jesus and His plans for you are greater than any plans you and I can fathom. He mourns with me through this trial and He mourns with you. I’m not sure what the future will hold for Zach and I, but I’m learning to remain steadfast and faithful to God. I’m definitely not close to mastering this but my hope is that one day I will be able to master it and see God’s hand in all of it.
“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” -Psalms 34
As I continue through this trial, instead of praying for God to remove this situation from my life, I’m going to pray that He changes my perspective. A friend of mine shared with me the song “Different” by Micah Tyler. If you haven’t heard it, I recommend that you check it out because it’s so powerful and there’s so much truth if you are down in a valley like I am, struggling. The chorus says this, “I wanna be different, I wanna be changed, that all of me is gone and all that remains is a fire so bright that the whole world can see that there’s something different, so come and be different in me.” My prayer is that the Lord can set a fire in my heart so that I no longer see what I don’t have in this world but I see what I do have in eternity. What Jesus gave to me no one or anything else can even come close to in this world. I hope that you can take these truths to heart also. If you’re struggling, I’d love to hear from you so that I can pray with you and walk with you during this time. Remember, God is there with His arms wide open, mourning with you and through Him we can find healing.